My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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