No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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