i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
