There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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