I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
