I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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