Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
