i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
