Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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