The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
