my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
