hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
