Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
