We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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