I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
