someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
