I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
