i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
