The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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