Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
