im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
4 words: hood of his car
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
