Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
