Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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