The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
