Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
