Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
