I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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