I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
