am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
