my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We had to coat check the pizza.
Your cock deserves a montage
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
