Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
