I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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