so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
