she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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