I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
