If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I still have a little drunk in my system
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
