God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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