the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
