i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
