just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
