The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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