I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
