So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
