I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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