I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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