I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
