I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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