I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
