Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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