watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
