Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
